Struggling with Imposter Syndrome and Feeling Messy
It's normal to have moments of feeling like an imposter, of feeling disoriented, or like we know nothing, or have nothing to offer.
"How could I possibly teach about sex if I my sex life feels non-existent right now?"
"What could I share about wellbeing if I had an anxiety attack yesterday?"
"What could I possibly share about ethical fashion when I caved and bought from amazon...again?"
"Everyone hates me, who would want to buy from me???"
WE ARE OUR OWN WORST CRITICS.
We can be so freaking hard on ourselves.
However, to be able to be in service, we have got to get out of our own way.
Here's the thing...
Our wounds are also often our gifts.
That’s because two things can be true at the same time.
Well, maybe you have heard this paradox before: whatever we struggle with a lot is often also what we are truly gifted in!
The more aware we are of this paradox, the easier it is to pleasurably serve others with integrity.
On the one hand, sometimes it feels like a sick joke, but it's also magical when we find moments of empathy for our wounds and trauma patterns...and realize the gifts that they hold too.
For example, from uncertainty and inconsistency around love and connection during my childhood, I learned to be hyper vigilant as a survival strategy.
Sometimes it's exhausting though and keeps me from initiating and going after bigger projects that may cause harm or result in me feeling rejected.
I need to keep checking in with this wounding and face my hyper vigilance so I really go after what I want by bringing the focus to how I feel rather than how others feel.
At the same time, my hyper vigilance makes me a good teacher. It allows me to track other's reactions and adjust to what folks need - and I love this about myself.
Or I have this middle school mean girl inside of me that can snap and say sharp things to my partner when I feel shame.
The other side of this coin, is this quality makes me fierce, opinionated, and helps me know when someone has crossed my boundaries.
She's my protector, but if I don't keep her in check, I hurt the ones I love.
Sometimes we’re afraid to heal because we are afraid to lose the gifts from our wounding.
While we are afraid of losing our identity, healing usually isn't about losing the pattern, but rather about knowing when and how to integrate these gifts and use them with awareness.
Also, you know how people say healing isn't linear? Well it applies here.
If you want to serve others, you can't wait until your healing is all done.
You can't wait until you know all of the things about all of the things.
Because being totally healed and knowing everything is a myth. The thing is, we may be working on the same patterns our whole lives.
There is this weird idea implanted in our mainstream culture, likely from christianity, that says we need to "purify" ourselves. Eeeeek. No.
We get to accept the parts that are messy. We get to love them, and even integrate them into supporting others.
When we are aware of our messiness, can accept it, and show that we are still worthy of showing up...even be transparent about it through our leadership? Imagine what ripple effect that may create!
These patterns are important to notice so we can be aware of them as we put ourselves out there more and/or take the next step in business and leadership.
To notice how we can leverage the side of our patterns that serves and to notice when the wounded pattern tries to sneak in.
Maybe most importantly, when the trauma is flared up and we feel like a TOTAL FRAUD who doesn't have anything important to say or share, it helps us have more empathy for ourselves.
It's a practice to remember there is magic in any tricky pattern of yours. You get to learn to love yourself a little bit more fiercely as you keep facing your dreams.
Want journal (and action) prompts to reflect on more topics like this?
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