Struggling with Jealousy? These 15 Myths Might Be the Problem!
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Are you having a hard time taming the green monster?
The green monster that is also know as… bum bum bum…jealousy.
Or maybe you don’t know how to navigate a partners jealousy?
Or you play small among your friends or femmes because you are afraid to make them jealous?
Jealousy can be such a tricky thing to navigate for so many folks.
However, even though we often talk about jealousy by itself, it’s actually an umbrella term for the many different feels we wade through as humans.
To say it’s only an emotion doesn’t really do it justice either.
Jealousy can be a full bodied, nauseating response that comes with tunnel vision, fits of rage or hopelessness. It can make you feel like you are abandoned and going to die.
The experience is horrible, like the floor is pulled out from underneath you.
Sometimes jealousy inspires us to do embarrassing and harmful things...or isolate ourselves, because we get so confused about how to stay connected; or shut down and close off our hearts alltogether.
Jealousy is powerful medicine I have been working with in this lifetime, and it has been a fucking challenging teacher for me while I was navigating polyamory.
But there can be so many reasons for us humans to experience jealousy.
And trying to navigate this complex experience while also dealing with the many myths that surround jealousy doesn’t make things easier.
For this post, my goal is to debunk 15 of these myths and to offer some loving and gentle advice, because the reality is you are not alone and you are so so so normal...whether you are experiencing jealousy or caring about people who are.
Before I share the most common myths with you, I encourage you to take three deep breaths.
Three deep breaths, inhaling into the belly.
Allow your belly to expand with each inhale and allow the exhale to just fall out of your mouth.
LET ME DEBUNK SOME COMMON MYTHS AROUND JEALOUSY FOR YOU
1) Myth: Jealousy is a feeling. Everyone experiences it the same way.
TRUTH: Jealousy is more of an umbrella term for many different feelings or bodily experiences.
It can be due to fear, shame, rage, resentment, or sadness. It is also possible for someone to experience a mixture of all of those feelings.
It’s helpful to think of jealousy as a nervous system response.
Our nervous system is picking up on cues that signal safety or danger, based on how our nervous system has been programed by certain traumas we have experienced.
One person may see their partner innoncently laughing with a friend, while another person may see that as a cue for danger, which triggers their body to have an increase in heart rate, tunnel vision, and nausea.
2) Myth: My jealousy makes me such a burden.
TRUTH/TIP: YOU ARE NOT A BURDEN. Big nope.
Jealousy is a nervous system response, we can’t actually control the first knee-jerk respsonse our body has to a situation. Just thinking differently won’t help, your body still responds what it considers cues of danger.
In order to change our response and shift our pattern, we need to heal on a nervous system level, just like we would with other traumas.
Just like anyone who is experiencing trauma isn’t a burden, (even though our culture doesn’t make it feel that way), jealousy isn’t a burden either.
You don’t have to figure this out on your own.
3) Myth: Jealousy is your fault and you need to figure it out on your own.
TRUTH/TIP: NOPE. get a therapist... or get outside support from unbiased people.
There is a reason that you are feeling jealous and even if resolving the pattern might be something only you can do, you don’t need to do it by yourself.
It’s also important that you get the support that helps you learn how to clearly distinguish between patterns that are yours to deal with and that come from personal trauma, and patterns that are triggered because the people around you or the environment you are in are harmful and/or don’t allow you to feel safe.
E.g. If the situation has something to do with polyamory, get support from people who are polyamory informed but aren’t in your active polyamory circle. (I was only talking to friends that were going to the same play parties as me and my partner. While their intetions were good, the impact wasn’t helpful. I couldn’t find that felt sense of safety in my body, because I kept seeing these friends as threats.)
4) Myth: If you were just more spiritually enlightened, you wouldn’t feel jealousy.
TRUTH/TIP: This just isn’t true. We could write a side book all about how people use spiritual elitism to manipulate others! For now, just know, this isn’t okay.
If someone talks to you this way, (ex: complains about your being “negative,”) this is a big red flag!
Again, get outside support like therapists, friends and support groups who have an inteserectional lens (can understand the sexism, racism, ableism that may be at play) for the reality checks you need.
5) Myth: Your partners’, friends’ and families’ jealousy is mostly your fault, their feelings are 100% your responsibility, so you need to manage them on your own.
TRUTH/TIP: If no amount of reassurance helps, that’s not fair to you.
Partnerships and relationships are a team and are not meant to exist in isolation. There needs to be a dynamic of giving and receiving.
While feelings are valid, they can also be used to manipulate one another. Gaslighting can happen really easily here and, again, it’s important that they get outside help and not demand all of the emotional support from you.
6) Myth: Jealousy is a sign of love.
TRUTH/TIP: I used to get worried if my partner didn’t feel jealous of me loving other people!
Maybe that sounds wild to you, but it’s true. Toxic monogamy culture taught me that partners must be jealous in order to care about me.
Ugh.
Just nope.
Thankfully, I choose some pretty awesome people to spend time with who have helped me to slowly rewrite this message.
Think about some other ways you can tell or show your partner/lover/S.O. that you care about them and consider other ways to acknowledge that they care about you.
Ask yourself: How can I challenge this belief?
7) Myth: If my partner/lover/friend desires someone besides me, that means I am not enough.
TRUTH/TIP: Incorrect. Think about Beyonce. I don’t care how GORGEOUS, rich, famous, talented and loving you are.... your partner may STILL have attractions or desires to hang out with other people.
(No, I’m not saying cheating is okay, what they do with those attractions is a whole OTHER story.)
What I am saying is: We NEED to get rid of this fucked up idea that we aren’t good enough if our partner is attracted to someone else, or if our friends want to spend time with other people.
I’m personally exhausted by this lie and finally letting it sink in.
Whether there is an agreement to follow those attractions or not in this case, is irrelevant. My point is, their attraction for another person doesn’t have anything to do with you!
Don’t let it question your sense of self worth! You are now and always will be good enough. Because #beyonce
8) Myth: If I just keep pushing harder, my jealousy will go away.
TRUTH/TIP: I’ve felt and seen this go wrong too many times.
Our nervous system needs to settle and come to a place of “safe and social” (which is a state of our nervous system) before pushing edges again.
If we are always on edge, and try to do another edgy thing, your nervous system will feel fried!
It’s okay to take space. It’s okay to find friends that don’t trigger the jealous reaction all of the time. It’s okay to break up. It’s okay to choose not to be polyamrous, however, it’s not okay to try to control others around you.
9) Myth: If I just keep ignoring my jealous reaction, it will go away.
TRUTH/TIP: Suppressing a feeling doesn’t make it go away, it kind of just shoves it into the basement of our nervous system, where it lurks, getting ready for a surprise attack later.
I don’t recommend it.
Instead, it’s good to name the feeling...and give it space to emote. Kind of like we need to take a shit. We find an appropriate space to do it, but we know sooner or later, we are going to need to poop!
Name the feeling... Are you feeling afraid? Angry? Sad? Resentful?
You can then connect this feeling to a need.
Maybe you are needing reassurance, understanding, connection, or space.
Find a space you feel safe in and, if that feels good, a person that you feel safe with, set a timer, and start sharing your feels.
You can tell your person that you don’t want advice or feedback, you just want someone to witness and see you as worthy of love and belonging.
Try using your body and sounds other than words to express your feelings.
Ask them to hold you if that feels right.
Let your body express itself without expectation. You don’t need to make sense.
Once the timer goes off, in RC world, we do “up and outs”, aka, asking one another a question that is nonsensical and silly and whatever our response, it is absolutely correct.
The intention behind this is to take the attention off of the distress, otherwise we could wade in the underworld of emotions forever!
You can go back, but it’s nice to have times to “really go for it” and then take a break.
10) Myth: It’s weak for me to ask for what I need when I am feeling jealous.
TRUTH/TIP: It’s never weak to ask for what you need! It’s okay to ask for reassurance or connection.
There is a differene between making requests and making demands. A request is where we won’t punish someone when they say “no.” Where we don’t use our emotions to manupulate them into doing what we want.
This can be super tricky, especially when we are in the throws of big feels!
It can be helpful to get outside support to help us manage our requests.
If someone isn’t willing to listen to any of your requests, that’s a big red flag! On the other hand, if someone always bends over backyards to meet your demands, that’s a big red flag for both of you, and a sign of a codependent relationship.
Outside support is very important here.
11) Myth: Jealousy can’t be controlled in the moment. You are just fucked and here comes the wrecking ball.
TRUTH/TIP: False!
This is where “lifelines” can come in! Lifelines are strategies that you can come up with when you are feeling more grounded, can store in your memory, or write them down somewhere easily accessible to find and use during the moments of intense FEELS.
Possible lifeline strategies: go for a walk, sit back to back, take ten deep breaths, take ten minutes of space or silence, jump up and down and vent without using words, calling a friend, etc.
If you are in some kind of relationship (friend, partner, family) it can be helpful to talk about these lifelines and write them down where everyone can see them so, if they are needed, you can remind each other of their existence.
12) Myth: It’s impossible to change how I feel. I’m always going to feel jealous.
TRUTH/TIP: Nope. It is possible to rewire our nervous system! Different forms of trauma release techniques can be extremely powerful.
I’ve personally found a lot of healign through trauma informed breathwork.
Also, practicing compersion, the feeling of joy by seeing another’s joy and/or a loved one’s love for another. It’s possible and it’s kind of like a muscle... it usually needs to be worked out in order to get strong.
13) Myth: I’m feeling jealousy of a woman or femme therefore I am feeling insecure.
TRUTH/TIP: Sometimes jealousy is mask for what might be suppressed erotic desire.
Due to internalized homophobia and compulsive heteronormativity, it can sometimes be hard to detect our feelings of attraction for another that may feel confusing or scary, and so we can label it just as jealousy and insecurity.
Explore this! Could it be that you are attracted to the person and want to explore connection? Or is there something about them that you find so fascinating and mesmerizing?
14) Myth: My intuition can’t be wrong about not trusting other women/femmes/people of color.
TRUTH: We have so many internal biases and trauma that makes us think everyone is a threat who appears feminine!
It’s important to question and unlearn these biases.
When our nervous system is in a heightened, freaked out state, we will see anyone as a threat, making it really difficult to tell what is real or not.
For example, when I was polyamorous, wether the people my partner were interested in were younger or older, seemed to have “their shit together” or not, I found reasons to find them not the right fit.
When I didn’t feel secure with my business and money was really tight and I was unsure about everything, it was easier for me to fall into scarcity social media traps of comparison to others, thinking everyone knew more than me!
Our thoughts follow our state.
15) Myth: I need to play small, otherwise I might trigger other friends/women/femmes/etc.
TRUTH/TIP: This is not rue or useful.
In most cases, always tip toeing around others isn’t actually serving you in the long run (this is context dependent of course), there is a time to brag and not!
If your friend just got broken up with and is feeling devastated, it’s not a great time to gush for 30 minutes about how in love you are, especially without their consent!
But maybe that is cool with them, again, it’s context dependent!
A way to combat this is to encourage friends to practice bragging about themselves and cheerleading for them!
LEARNING FROM JEALOUSY
Jealousy is a teacher and what we do with this feeling/energy matters.
Naming the feeling.
Connecting it to a need.
Getting outside support for reality checks
Working with folks and modalities to help heal trauma
Taking up space
Trying different stratgies
Not forcing suffering
these are all things that can be really helpful!
Another thing that can be really helpful and hooks into most of the myths that I talk about above is connecting to our own sense of wholeness and enoughness.
If we can establish a felt sense of safety within ourselves, it makes experiencing and responding to feelings of jealousy a lot more manageable.
One way to create this connection is to practice self love!!
Self love teaches you in gentle and powerful ways that
Nothing is wrong with you
You aren’t a burden.
It’s important to build your self awareness, self care, rewrite old stories, heal your trauma, and remember that you are good enough.
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