How To Feel More Pleasure? Screw Orgasms
THERE IS A LOT OF NONSENSE IN OUR CULTURE ABOUT WOMEN’S SEXUALITY.
If you aren’t open enough, you are boring.
If you are too open, you are a slut.
And, therefore, unlovable.
If you try to conform to these cultural messages, you can’t win. First, because they contradict themselves...but also because there is an insidious belief that our bodies, our pleasure, and our desires are inherently shameful.
Yeah, a pretty sucky set up.
Furthermore, when our sexuality is acknowledged, it’s for someone else. To entertain, to please, to sell, or to procreate. It’s always for something outside of ourselves.
So no wonder it’s challenging for many women to feel orgasmic!
Especially when it’s expected orgasms to look or be a certain way. Did you know that less than ⅓ of women can regularly orgasm from intercourse alone? Which I do believe is possible to change, but that is for another post at another time.
Whatever your relationship to orgasm is, you are not alone. And definitely not broken.
But I want to take it a step further. There can also be TON of pressure about having orgasms in general. And yeah, they are great. They can be healing, transformative, and deeply pleasurable. BUT there is a lot of misinformation about them.
As described in the book "Come As You Are" by Emily Nagoski, an orgasm is the “sudden, involuntary release in sexual tension.” By this definition, orgasms are not pleasure dependent. Some people have experienced orgasms while exercising without even enjoying the sensation. Some have had orgasms while being raped. Orgasms do not comply pleasure or consent.
Nagoski further describes orgasms as non-hierarchical. Meaning, cervical orgasms aren’t better than clitoral. Energetic orgasms aren’t superior to nipple orgasms. This thinking can be problematic because it can make sexual experiences goal oriented and linear. It's more helpful to think about there being different ways to have orgasms rather than different kinds.
What makes an orgasm more intense (not necessarily better) is the amount of pleasure that is experienced. Which brings me to my point:
Make pleasure the goal, not orgasm.
If you are repeatedly wanting to have orgasms and it’s not happening, it’s probably causing yourself more stress. And for most women, stress doesn’t help with experiencing orgasms.
So, the more you stress out about being “orgasmic,” the more you are blocking yourself from actually experiencing orgasms… let alone allowing yourself to feel pleasure.
Change the goal to accepting exactly where you are at. Let go of the sexuality you think you should for the sexuality you are experiencing now. Change your goal to focusing on noticing what is feeling pleasurable now without any pressure of something “happening.”
With changing your goals, you may just really, really enjoy your sexuality, however it may look! Orgasms or not.
You were born knowing how to experience pleasure. Your body knows how. Sex does not have to hurt or even feel unpleasant. If something doesn’t feel good, change it until it does. Let pleasure be your compass and your guide.
One way to help experience more pleasure is to create a supportive context for it to happen. Many women have a hard time experiencing pleasure because there are too many stressors happening that are putting pressure on the brakes. Work stress, relationship stress, body appearance stress, stress about having orgasms stress.
So creating a supportive context where you remove the stressors is really important.
For example, if you are having trouble experiencing pleasure with a partner, start by practicing by yourself first. If you think the relationship may not be working, read this.
If you are having stress about work, do that self care technique that helps you relax. Is it a hot bath? Playing really loud music? Massaging yourself with oil?
But a stress that is often not acknowledged that keeps us from feeling pleasure is the stress from not accepting the self. Loving and accepting your body and sexuality is HUGE for feeling more pleasure. And it's a really common struggle for many women. A lot of women experience “spectatoring,” which is anxious perception of one's own body or sexual functioning during sex.
Not very surprising for a culture that has unrealistic images everywhere about how women "should" look and act during sex. However, there is good news. You CAN practice your way to pleasure. Practicing self loving thoughts is one of the MOST IMPORTANT things to bring more pleasure into your life. Meditation really helps. Meditating outside of a sexual context while while bringing self loving thoughts to your body and your sexuality is magic for your pleasure potential.
Mantras can help the meditation practice too. For example,
“No matter what culture says about how I should look, feel or act, I am actively working towards embracing and accepting my body and my sexuality.”
Make the mantra work for you. Something that you can actually start to believe. The most important part is repeating this again and again and again until you really do start to believe it.
So, now, what stressors do you notice are putting the brakes on your pleasure? What is one way you can create a context to not feel those stressors?
If you want more, connect on my Pussy Witch musings newsletter for more support and more pleasure centered empowerment.
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